Pope-mobile 5000

Hope for Pope '05

by Dave McAwesome

Behold! The McAwesome Pope-mobile 5000. If I am named Pope, my friends, I'm gonna be praying in style.

I'm certain that, like me, you are overwhelmed by a sense of thunderous holy rapture at the sight of this four-wheeled altar of road-churning Judgment. "Repent, disbelievers," I'll say, smiting them with my staff as I speed through their pagan towns. Followers will throng to my variable speed, power windows where I will deliver sacraments to uplift their Italian-sports-car-less souls. From the comfort of my plush leather seats with lumbar support, I'll cruise the local college campus for Catholic chicks looking for a little redemption. When Armageddon comes, I will spin donuts around the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. In the meantime, I'll be spreading peace, consecrations and all sorts of crap behind the wheel of God knows how much horsepower. (And you can bet God ain't tellin' the likes of you how much horsepower is packed into that precision engine. After all, I'll be his direct conduit, fer crissakes. Direct. Freakin. Conduit.)

Yessir, I'm putting the "I can" back into the Vatican. Damn it, that's a good slogan. It's a crying pity the Cardinals are holed up in the Conclave, cuz I could've smoked Greg with that slogan in a new commercial. Ah, well. The campaign is nearing an end. And I, dear Catholics, am jonesing for a new car.

Zombie Pope

Just when you thought this couldn't get any stupider...it gets stupider.

Epilogue to the Conclave '05 and prologue to War on the Floor II. Continue to Zombie Pope.