Greg McAwesome announces candidacy for Pope

April 4th, 2005
SAN DIEGO, Calif.--In a surprise move, Greg McAwesome has broken ranks with his brother, Team Awesome founder Dave McAwesome, and has announced his candidacy for Pope. The move comes only a day after Dave broke news of his eligibility. The splitting of the Team Awesome vote came as a shock to Vatican insiders who expected Greg to back his brother's underdog campaign.

"I didn't want to be vice-Pope," Greg said at a hastily convened press conference.

He quickly deflected attention from Team Awesome to his Papal campaign platform. "All those secret documents in the Vatican basement? I'm breaking that wide open. Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code was waaaaaaaaaaay off. I want to set the record straight."

Asked why he's choosing now to run for pope, Greg replied, "An opportunity like this comes once in a lifetime. Maybe twice. I don't know, how long do Popes usually last?"

An anonymous but reliable source at Dave McAwesome's campaign headquarters described the Pope-hopeful as "pretty miffed." The mood at the newly established Greg McA Pope-HQ, however, was the opposite. "We're psyched," said a staffer. "Our candidate is about more than just breakfast cereal. We've got a whole line of holy eateries."

In a subsequent phone interview later in the day, Greg outlined his culinary outreach program. "I'm talking about a full line of food and snacks. I've got a line of whole wheat crackers called Crucibix. And we're going to be rolling out Eucharist wafers on a huge scale. They're not just for Sunday mass anymore." Packaged in a gilded box, the wafers, named Hosties, are lightly dusted with sugar frosting. "Now you're snackin' on Jesus," Greg explained. "Body of Christ, you say? I say, full-bodied flavor! Can I get an amen?"

"I've also got three kinds of dipping sauce: hot, inferno, and the slightly milder purgatory flavor," he added.

Members of Team Awesome could not be reached for comment at press time.

Continue to the media blitz of the Hope for Pope '05.