Free iPhone

How I snagged the hottest gadget in the universe.

Technologically speaking, I'm not much of an early adopter. I don't own a Nintendo Wii, I'm not replacing my perfectly good TV for a flat screen, and I don't cyberdate 14-year-olds on MySpace. I'm a rare breed, indeed.

But, lo! There's a new must-have gadget that's so revolutionary we're going to replace the saying "the best thing since sliced bread" with "the best thing since sliced iPhone."

Ladies and gentlemen, a moment of silence for the much vaunted iPhone.

Based on extremely reliable feedback on the Internet from people who had never, ever touched an actual iPhone, I learned that I needed to have one right spanking now in order to prove the size of my technological phallus. I noticed on peer submission/review sites like Digg that anyone who dissented from Apple's fanboys was quickly shouted down. My favorite pro-Apple comment that cropped up frequently was: "Don't hate on the iPhone just because you can't afford one." Haha, classic! It's awesome to rag on poor people!

I read a few reviews and this sounded like just the sort of techno-widget I'd been holding out for. But $600? Camping outside of stores to wait on line? That's for chumps. I made my own with leftover styrofoam.

At left: me surfing the Web on my new Apple machinery. At right: That's me making a video of Galactus. I'm going to post that on YouTube and get my friends to email the link to every person on the planet so that Steven Spielberg will see it, realize what an incredible talent I am, and hire me. Rock!

It's pretty sweet. I like to walk around Manhattan, brandishing it as I go. "Yes, Roger, I can schedule an appointment with you now for you see I AM USING MY iPHONE!!!" I like to shout this into the phone at full volume while waiting to cross 7th Avenue and 42nd Street. It's very impressive to the Times Square tourists and they immediately appreciate how important I am. I like to give directions to people by using the Google Maps feature. "I'll show you on my iPhone," I say calmly and importantly. (Remaining calm is easy, but you must also remain important while you explain things to these simpletons from West Carolina.) It's so easy to give directions using my iPhone. First I raise my iPhone so they can see it (but not so high that they can grab it and run away...that would make me much less important). I raise it up and then outstretch my arm, pointing the iPhone in the direction they should travel. "Yonder lies your destination, fair citizen." If you try this yourself, try to smile when you're doing it. It will put the tourists at ease when in the presence of an important and obviously superior being. Besides, what's not to smile about? You have an iPhone. They have tickets to a Letterman taping.

I can do pretty much anything with the iPhone. Surf the Internet. Send email. Hell, it fed my dog...and I don't even own one. Now that's Web 2.0 thinking!

In addition to surfing the Web, playing iTunes and regulating your heartbeat, the iPhone also feeds you. This is a nutritious bowl of Berry Kix.

And all that fuss about the short battery life? I don't know about you, but I've got no problems there.

The iPhone battery keeps going and going and going.

In conclusion, all you dorks sitting in line for the honor of buying a piece of marketing hype are nose-licking tools and I hope you all get iHerpes.