I helped someone

by Dave McAwesome

In another landmark event in the short and remarkably unremarkable history of MaximumAwesome.com, I, Dave McAwesome, have helped somebody. And not just some random critter like an overturned turtle or under-groomed kitty. No. This was a bona fide human being (okay, so he's a car salesman . . . thusly we grant him only probationary status as a bipedal hominid).

But lo! He now wields the McAwesome 3-column Blogger Template of Doom. Pretty spiffy. Alert any and all humanitarian awards committees. Alert them to how much I rock. The level to which I rock cannot even be measured by most level-measuring devices.

I'm sure you will agree (how could you not agree with something as scientific and unbiased as the Spiff-o-meter?), that's pretty rockin. I broke the meter, fer crissakes.

And now Angryface Central triumphantly blogs in the 3-column-verse. Our blogs are like twins now. Who dress alike. Who everybody picks on.

Still, it's a good feeling. Not anonymous three-hour sex good. But creamy-filling-inside-a-Twinkie good. It's a double-good feeling cuz I did it for free. How fantastic of a deal is that? It's free. Think about it. You can't get a better deal than free. It's like watching the ending of a bad movie, and just as you're about to get up, the villain turns out not to be dead and you say, "Hey! I'm going to get to see a second bad ending for free! Hot diggity!"

Wow, I must be some kind of spectacular human being. And, wow! Look how thick and obtuse my sarcasm is today. I've even forgotten what I'm being sarcastic about. Am I trying to downplay my immodest benevolence? Am I attempting to undercut a secret desire to help random people whom I openly loathe? (You know I hate people, right? Didn't we go over that?)

Perhaps this signals a significant change. Perhaps it's a paradigm shift in my attitude towards you humans. Or perhaps even I, the sultan of silly, need an occasional break from disrobing action figures.