Froot Loops

Loops? Yes. Fruit? No.

by Dave McAwesome

Froot Loops has always struck me as a rather stupid cereal. It is essentially the waste matter from the sugar factory (hahaha, you didn't think sugar grew on trees, did you?) reformed into circular bits and coated with a glaze of corn syrup and cement. The molecular structure of each fruited loop is extremely unstable. The entire O will dissolve into a rubbery, tasteless glop within 15 seconds of exposure to milk. Recent formulae of the Fruit (Froot) Loops recipe have resulted in brighter day glow colors thanks to an admixture of Radium and the extract from the abdomen of fireflies (lightning bugs). The loops' chemical instability, however, remains.

The taste of these so called 'Froot Loops' bears no resemblance to actual fruit. Plants are not generally known to produce fruit that tastes like a Gobstopper sauteed in a Kit Kat reduction sauce. Nevertheless, the flavor is often enhanced by the connoisseur's own dissolved tooth enamel.

I attribute the success of Fruit Loops to its mascot, the inimitable Toucan Sam. Ever since my childhood, I have associated nature's majestic toucan with this cereal hawking twit and his odd and sexually ambiguous accent. I also suspect he owns a tremendous number of shares in various toothpaste corporations.

This day, we find Toucan Sam and his Sam-o-philes searching for treasure on a remote island. The three trademarked toucan kids are Sam's 'nephews' (nephews, eh? not his kids...notice the ever present sexual ambiguity). The words in the Colossal Word Loop are boat, treasure, dig, green, nephews, sea, ahoy matey, eyepatch, chart, Toucan Sam, and map. At the end, Toucan Sam finds the hidden treasure, except its just more Fruit Loops, which can be found at any major supermarket (and in my kitchen cabinets). That means the whole oceanological adventure, which likely cost millions in government grants, was to find a three dollar box of cereal. Sounds wasteful to me.

This box is specially labeled 'Colossal Froot Loops' because there are giant pink loops shuffled into the box with the normal sized loops. They taste the same, honestly. I was hoping for a colossal taste to accompany my colossal spoonful of colossal loops. Sucks for me, eh?

Back to Cereal Awareness Month.