Choco Crunch

Cap'n Crunch now runs a circus

by Dave McAwesome

Choco Crunch is not a great idea in that it fails to address the central problem in all Cap'n Crunch cereals and their variants: bleeding gums and mouth. Choco Crunch adds chocolate. Instead of a bloody mess after breakfast, you're a chocolatey bloody mess. Throw in a razor blade, while you're at it, Cap'n.

The chocolate taste is more artificial than usual for these types of cereals. I suspect it's because of the fake corn undertones. On the other hand, the sugar kept me up for three days. I made it through half the box before persistent mouth sores put me on an all-yogurt diet for the rest of the week. Oh, Cap'n, I salute you...with my middle finger.

The back of the box reads (I swear to christ), "Jean LaFoote, the sneaky pirate, is at it again. He's in disguise and tricked the Cap'n to get Crunch-a-tized onto the ship. Now he's in Cap'n Crunch's circus trying to disguise himself again and cause Chocolatey Crunchy Chaos!" Cap'n Crunch himself adds, "Jean LaFoote stole my Crunch-a-scope! It fell into the barrel and created New Choco Crunch!" Okay, so French guy, pirate, ship, circus, crunch-a-scope...er, I don't follow. The Cap'n Crunch mythology got a lot more complicated in a few short sentences. Inserting the crunch-a-scope into a barrel instigates some sort of Star Trek II genesis device creating entirely new cereals. This is Adam and Eve kinda stuff. Old Testament voodoo.

The chief activity on back is finding the eight barrels for the tightrope kid (I still don't understand. Cap'n Crunch had a ship...now he's got a circus and...a French pirate. And he's still not Admiral. I...what?). The kid is adamant about finding these eight barrels. Here's the problem. There are eight wooden barrels, yes, but there are 30-plus crunch barrels. The whole cereal is barrels. Find eight barrels, my eye.