Cap'n Crunch cheat sheet

Cereal Awareness Month

by Dave McAwesome

The box in question: Cap'n Crunch Game Boy Giveaway cover starring Mario and his Nintendo friends.

Cap'n Crunch cannot be happy that his cereal box has been co-opted by a bunch of rejects from Mussolini's fascist party. Stand tall, Cap'n. Stand tall for democracy. Why do they hate our freedom? Why? Jealous, pasta-eating gits. Yes, yes, I know. Mario and Luigi later became American citizens and ambassadors of Japanese culture. Yes, they even spent time in the military fending off Bowzer's goons. BUT they NEVER rose above the rank of corporal. Alastair Crunch, of course, is a Captain of the United States Cartoon Navy. A Captain!

An admiralship just isn't in the cards for ol' Crunch. Too much political brown nosing...and we all know the high moral fiber--and 7 assorted vitamins and minerals--of Cap'n Crunch are above such petty nonsense. Perhaps that's just it. Perhaps he's cracked. Perhaps this is the first of many concessions Cap'n Crunch will make for a run at the admiralty. Admiral Crunch. Yep, I would totally buy that.

Let's take a look at the game. First problem: the game has no name. What the frickin hell is that about? You half-ass a 16 square board (can you imagine trying to play Monopoly with only 16 spaces around the board?). Listen here, Quaker Oats, are you telling me that with all the time you saved skimping on the board squares that you couldn't be bothered to NAME the actual game? What kind of workflow charts are you using over there, man?

No name. Okay. The game begins with this command: "Play with your Cap'n Crunch." Ah, here we go. How many times have you heard parents say, "don't play with your food, young Dermot," hm? Undermine parental authority, eh, Quaker Oat guy? Parents have enough on their hands to worry about without you contradicting every little rule. What's next, don't bathe?

During the mindless trek around the board, we read several facts about each of the characters. "Mario, hero plumber of the Mushroom Kingdom, stands tall for the principles of freedom, rigatoni, manicotti and happiness." Y'know, I doubt kids are so stupid to find that funny.

"Link's Master Sword can only be used by a warrior who is powerful, courageous and wise." Boring. Next.

"Princess Peach: Though she appears dainty, Peach is fun, fashionable and always up for a daring adventure...in your pants." Guess which part I added. More importantly, why is dainty contrasted against fun and fashionable? "Despite the fact that Peach is an alcoholic, she enjoys two-fisting Absolut Vodka." Is Quaker Oats implying that dainty people don't normally have fun or fashion sense? I don't get it. I thought all the media images of hyper-thin models and actresses have brainwashed us enough not to question such things.

"Donkey Kong: A practical joker, Donkey Kong lives in a lavish tree house on Donkey Kong Island." The real estate market being what it is, I sincerely doubt Donkey Kong could afford such a residence. The truth is: He's facing an eviction notice from Mushroom First National Bank and will be out on his ass within the month. No point hiding the truth from kids. They know.

Back to the Breakfast Cereal Guide or the annual Cereal Awareness Month coverage.