Cap'n Crunch cereal
Walt Whitman was a huge fan
by Dave McAwesomeCap'n Crunch sweetened corn and oat cereal is a simple one. There is only one atomic cereal unit (ACU): the hard, sugar corn block. The closest relative to Cap'n Crunch was Donkey Kong cereal in the 80s, which was, to be honest, the same frickin cereal. "Oh, uh, yeah, but in Donkey Kong, the corn puffs are...uh...barrels. Yeah." Even as a kid, we knew that line was a crock of steaming poo.
The Cap'n Crunch corn unit is a real hard nut. Frequent students of this cereal know via the stern headmaster we call 'Experience' that Cap'n Crunch is best eaten in small bowls--and only one serving at that. Large bowls or multiple servings lead to cuts and abrasions of one's mouth (particularly the roof and gum lines). A hard scrabble world it is when your breakfast cereal bites back. A tough life lesson learned, my fair Cap'n! Tip of the cap to you!
The corn ACUs are sweet, but not very filling. It is VERY difficult not to eat more than one bowl of the stuff.
Cap'n Crunch himself is an uncontroversial figure. He helmed the High Fructose Corn Syrup expeditionary vessel in the 19th century and later the HFCS II, when the former was sunk by pirates in the Crunchberry raids off Africa's Ivory Coast. Rumors of slave trading during the cereal off season are largely conjecture, but Crunch's brutality and vicious cunning in the procurement of Crunchberries is heavily documented.
To date, Crunch has yet to be promoted to Admiral.
The Walt Whitman poem "O Captain! My Captain!" was written specifically about Cap'n Crunch and his cereal. The hints are obvious. Take a look:
O Captain! My Captain! Our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
Let's go through it line by line:
O Captain! My Captain! Our fearful trip is done;
Walt Whitman, subtle fellow that he was, hid the colloquial pronunciation of "Captain." The first draft read: "O Cap'n! My Cap'n!"
The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The prize refers to the 7 fortified vitamins and minerals in this important part of your daily breakfast, Cap'n Crunch cereal. Back in those days, breakfast cereal wasn't available on a supermarket shelf. Vast intercontinental and cross-oceanic expeditions had to be undertaken to snag such treasures.
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
You'd be exulting too if a ship chock full of sugary goodness were sailing into your port.
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:
Meaning: Had you witnessed the Cap'n's ship, The High Fructose Corn Syrup, you too would've felt its grimness and daring-osity bearing down upon your brow.
But O heart! heart! heart!
Meaning: heart, heart, heart. Pretty straightforward there.
O the bleeding drops of red,
This is the key line. The drops of red bleeding refer to the cuts and sores your mouth incurs (particularly the roof of your mouth) after eating several bowls of Cap'n Crunch. Whitman, of course, experienced this first hand. He wasn't called Walt "Blood Tooth" Whitman for a lack of dental hygiene!
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
The once jubilant crowd has turned nasty. Though their bellies are full, their gums and mouths are cut and bleeding. The Cap'n landed many a blow, however, before succumbing to their onslaught.
Fallen cold and dead.
Nope, he's just feigning death until the wrathful mob departs and assaults a random group of immigrants (probably the Irish, knowing Whitman--what a potato hater he was).
Back to the Breakfast Cereal Guide or the annual Cereal Awareness Month coverage.
