Bamm-Bamm Berry Pebbles

Cereal Awareness Month

Once again, we have Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm--both barely dressed--on yet another date. Can we set a better example than this, Post Cereal? Inappropriate child affection with my breakfast? I don't swing that way, Maddison J. Post. What's next? Are Barney and Betty going to include the kids in their key parties? It's very uncool how little parental supervision Fred and Wilma exercise over their only daughter. Know this, Flintstones and Rubbles-es, the Department of Social Services HAS been contacted.

Bamm-Bamm Berry Pebbles. A few rocks short of a quarry.

Now, keep in mind that we already have Cocoa Pebbles and Fruity Pebbles. Is Fruity Pebbles not fruity enough that they have to make a separate Berry Pebbles? What's up, Bamm-Bamm? Gotta grab the spotlight from Fred? You greedy ass. You don't even have the brain cells to create a unique cereal. Berry Pebbles. You took Fruity Pebbles and added a cup of suck. Then you slapped your name up there to soak up all this make-pretend cereal glory. It's not Flintstones Fruity Pebbles. It's just Fruity Pebbles. Fred doesn't have to pimp out his name like a common MySpace whore. Bad form, Bamm-Bamm. Even Crackle--total prick that he is--never did that to Snap and Pop.

On to the puzzle solutions, I guess. I was going to provide a separate solution to each, but then I had an "A-ha!" moment. "A-ha!" I cried during my "A-ha!" moment. "It's a trick question." You're not supposed to actually solve these puzzles. Look at the box. There are a million things going on. It's a test. Listen to me, dear parents. This is how it works. Set the box down next to your rugrat. If his or her eyes go buggy at the massive wash of information, remove the box and reward the urchin with a Twix bar. That is the sign of a healthy child. If, on the other hand, the kid devours the pointless tasks like a possessed weasel on meth and Mountain Dew, it's time to put that critter down like a Gremlin after midnight on a full stomach. Boom, cha-chick, boom.

I solved the maze. That was the only legit thing on the box. The rest was noise.

Back to the Breakfast Cereal Guide or the annual Cereal Awareness Month coverage.