How to build your own bar

...cheaply and without losing any limbs

by Dave McAwesome

As autumn winds tousle my hair and Jack Frost nips at my nose...whoops, for a second there I thought I was writing some cliched drivel for one of the millions of puss-sucking blogs run by witless retards. I'll start again.

The weather is turning cold, and without a bar directly across the street I need a more convenient barstool than my usual haunts provide. There is only one solution, and if you shouted, "Hook up the Slip n' Slide hose to a keg of Young's Oatmeal Stout,"...well, you're wrong, but I think we could be very good friends...eh, even though you're a little stupid; did you not read the headline of this article? Now, if you said, "Build your own bar!" you are correct (and attentive), but also very late. Where were you when I needed someone to hold a worklight over my head last week? I got a wicked splinter.

The most important part of building one's own bar is finding a migrant worker who will do it for you in a single afternoon. That's key. Not having such resources, the second most important thing is beer. Drinking beer encourages one down questionable roads of fleeting fancy. Madcap foolhardiness requires at least three pints. This was, to paraphrase Sherlock Holmes, "a five pint problem."

I had two major considerations which limited the manner of construction. The first was time. I'm a busy man, and there's no sense taking away from my beer swilling time to build a place to swill beer. Instead, I cancelled my planned Inhumanoids DVD marathon. The second was (and continues to be--as far as my other far reaching endeavors go--money). I have little. I bought a small boxy-looking barely bar-ish thing from an unfinished furnature store. This gave me a base to work from and saved me a butload of time. From this, I sketched my Plans of Doom!

Other than shop class in elementary school, I haven't built much out of wood. You might say I'm no carpenter. You might also say I'm no Oasis fan, but that's neither here nor there. I recruited Chip Hardwood, notable beer drinker, brewer and former construction worker, to my cause. Chip served as my consultant--the Bowie to my Iggy Pop--while I would do the actual work.

Next...Part 2: The actual work begins, or, "Quitters never win, but they get to drink more."

Read the whole story from the beginning.