I swallowed some nuts
by Dave McAwesomeI am partly responsible for there being very few nuts left in this container, and I am ashamed.
My descent into culinary ignominy began innocently enough. I was working in an office-type environment with some office-type people when someone casually offered us a container of cinnamon roasted almonds. "Yum," we said, shoveling nuts into our cheeks like squirrels preparing for winter. (We were quite the gluttons.)
They weren't very good. I'd rate them just below "Jedi" on the Star Wars Goodness Chart. They score much better than Apple's Macintosh computers but not as well as, say, Led Zeppelin.
Many mouthfuls later, I alertly checked the container. These were not Planters Brand Salted Nuts. Planters, you see, is a name I trust when it comes to any snack in the "salted" or "roasted" variety. Hence, the "Jedi" rating. The good people at Planters would never settle for such a dreadful score. "A New Hope or Bust" is their corporate motto, I believe.
No, these nuts were from Administaff. None of us were familiar with their line of grocery goods, so we checked out their website. Let's be clear: I'm not going to hyperlink to the Administaff home page. There's a 14 percent chance that you'll die of boredom while visiting, and I can't, dear reader, risk your health in such a precarious fashion. Instead, here's a screenshot:
As you can see, it's not as good a site as Maximum Awesome. It doesn't even mention Ponch.
Clearly, if we subjected these poor Administaff people to the horrors of the Blog Thunderdome, they would not fare so well. (Doubly so since their site is not a blog.)
More alarming, however, was our realization that we were, in all likelihood, eating office supplies. These cinnamon roasted almonds came from some sort of promotional catalog and were ordered alongside rubber pencil grips, three-ring binders, custom envelope moisteners, and chocolate covered rubber binder clips smothered in Administaff sprinkles.
We ate office supply almonds (at least we hope those were almonds). Look at the stylish curvy glass container and cork top. Obviously, these nuts were for decorative purposes only, like waxed fruit or Katie Holmes. They were no more edible than drizzling caramel over a gross of paper clips. Why did we gorge ourselves like chipmunks after the spring thaw? A troubling scene indeed. I managed to cope thanks to eight hours of heavy drinking the next day. Others were not so fortunate.
One of the victims of this dietary tragedy--her name has been changed to protect her shameful gluttony...let's call her Kristin van der Fakename--anyway, she was urged by several top psychologists to use art to deal with her uneasy feelings after the incident. Her photo-manipulation/illustration is below. Get well soon, Kristin. We're pulling for ya.
Notice the dark, sweeping colors. This is not the artwork of a sane nut-lover.
