Chad's Heavyskies vs. Deb's Orright

The moderators of Misfitopia (formerly Chaos Wastes) showdown in a glorious Battle of the Mods. Deb, it should be noted, has already suffered at the hands of Brad from Blogg'd (twice), and another of her blogs was banned in a previous episode of Blog Thunderdome. How does Alcoholic Poet sum up the contest? "At first glance, visually, these two sites aren't that bad. It was only after I submerged myself in the actual content that I realized I had just waded knee deep into festering, bubbling, seas of unflushed mental diarrhea." Off we go, kids!

Heavyskies
Filthy Rotten Angel: And the Lord said, "Let there be videos. Lots of them. And it was so. The Lord divided the videos into those that you could view on the site and those you would travel to YouTube to watch." What's up with that Chad? I'm boycotting YouTube! You're making me compromise my idiot morals, man!

alcoholic poet: Unfortunately the vids bare a striking similarity to typical typewritten blog posts. Watching the content rather than reading it is an only upgrade if you feel waiting in line at the bank is an upgrade from waiting in line at a toll booth. I pine for the excitement of an IRS audit.

FRA: Chad's also good about ranting about stuff that doesn't make sense. I can almost visualize him with flecks of foam at the corners of his mouth, gesturing wildly as his eyes go white around the rim and his face goes that scary shade of purple-red that makes me think of death and poppies. Amusing, if you're into that sort of thing. You know...people getting pissed, killing baby puppies and then keeling over dead leaving you to answer probing questions from people in police uniforms.

What Chad is BAD at is updating. Come ON man! You're a Mod at Misfitopia, you know what this thing called Blog Thunderdome is all about! You made a VIDEO! Going back through his posts I found more rants, poetry/music, one man debates, and HEY LOOK! Chad used to update regularly. I feel cheated, but it was the Chad I've come to know and love from Misfitopia. By 'love,' I mean 'fear with all my heaving heart.' He's one of those people who seem to stay the same, no matter if life is amazing or sucks major balls. Well, he posts more when he's pissed...either that or he's always pissed.

alcoholic poet: At one point he was irate at some local retailer. So badass that he is, he, gasp! Filed a complaint! I mean he also taped some defamatory flyers on their storefront door, but I don't know, I just assume they removed them the next morning. His video has some 80s type metal music and in big red letters: "I have filed a complaint." Yeah, you sure showed 'em.

Dave: A historical aside: France sent a scathing letter to Hitler while Panzers hooked around the Maginot Line and rained in from Belgium. If only YouTube had been around back then, Le Chad. If only.

alcoholic poet: If you read Darwin's theories on evolution he clearly refers to the filing of the complaint as the defining factor which brought humanity to the top of the food chain. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Chad, alpha male. Women, by the way, go wild for men who file complaints.

Adam: Heavyskies' biggest redeeming quality is that, unlike Deb, Chad doesn't write much. If that sounds like an insult, that's because it is. Sure, there was a time when Chad bothered himself with things like "words" and "sentences," but those days are long gone. What started as a collection of the random musings of an average dude has morphed into a depository of videos from an easily entertained man. When the interweb offerings of YouTube don't suffice, Chad is more than happy to make up something of his own. The results of these creative endeavors surprisingly don't always suck. Sure, the video of him doing a burnout in his Camaro sucked, but only because the oncoming car seen in the video didn't speed up and t-bone him. And yeah, the Blog Thunderdome trailer was basically just an animated gif set to the tune of what sounds like Mannheim Steamroller on steroids. But the Rubik's Cube thing was cool! Ok, maybe the videos do mostly suck. Awhile back, there was talk of Chad making an entire movie. It is indeed a detriment to the comic nature of Blog Thunderdome that, at deadline, this movie has yet to be made. With that said, there is a section of Heavyskies called "Marshall Law" that has the potential to be plenty entertaining.

Zach: I would really love to write a long, scathing review of Chad's horrible blog, but I'm afraid he might duct tape posters all over my windows to show his outrage. Worse yet, he might make a cheesy two-minute video to show off how badass he is for taping posters to my windows. Worst case scenario: the video's background music will be a wrestling theme song. Sorry folks, I know better than to FUCKIN' MESS WITH FUCKIN' HEAVY-FUCKIN'-SKIES FUCK.

alcoholic poet: Heavyskies is the guy's equivalent of the 'Bitch Blog.' Corporations suck! Hot chicks are mean! Work is hard! Banks are slow! He may as well just post the phrase 'I feel inadequate' once each day. Some of it was mildly amusing, but really, hasn't it all been done ad nauseum? One of these days all you angry blogger guys are going to get smacked with a lawsuit from George Carlin.

Orright
FRA: Orright! I just like saying that. It makes me feel exotic.

Dave: Y'know, people with accents get unfair advantages. Let's even the playing field. Heavyskies is now pronounced 'Eavyskies.

FRA: I love how Deb writes. She's got a 'flow' that makes reading her blog pretty easy. Going back through her archives I realized that I don't really "know" Deb, meaning I didn't have an opinion of her deeper than "she funny, me love to ha-ha." Deb's beyond amusing at points, whether she's speculating on Egyptians as aliens, killing endangered species, or driving nosey buggers like me insane with 'protected' posts.

Her "A Thought" post (Jan. 30, '06) set me back a spell. It's one of those posts that you have to take a break from and come back to later when you're ready to be serious and willing to actually listen to this 'thought' which is really a deep, heartfelt monologue that she just happened to let you in on. In between her complaints, revelations and witticisms are these endless, glittering pools of total transcendentalism. Or maybe I've just been spending too long with a thesaurus.

Adam: If you were to buy a book called "Average Ass Blogging For Dummies" and follow its instructions word for word, what you would end up with would probably look a lot like Orright. This is a classic case of a blogger making the biggest blogging mistake of all: assuming anybody gives even a scant amount of fuck about the mundane details of the blogger's life. What's worse, it seems this blogger actually thinks this boring shit is going to earn her some cash, as evidenced by the ads for ringtones, comedy podcasts and more ringtones prominently displayed in the sidebar. Oddly enough, the first three or so pages of posts are all about her quest to find a job. I guess the ringtone craze has slowed down a bit.

FRA: Deb's got a hell of a lot of links, blinks, banners and hoohaa going on in that sidebar. So I just started clicking randomly to see what interested her which somehow lead me to a site having to do with 'human upgrades' which in turn opened my eyes to the existence of some such thing called a 'clittongue.' At this point I shut down the browser and ran crying from the room.

Adam: When Deb finally puts a cork in the journalistic wellspring that is job hunting, we find out that she really likes some game called Insaniquariam. She even sent a slew of screenshots to her oft mentioned Jack so he could see the game. Fortunately, she decided to post just "a few" of those pictures on her blog. Unfortunately, "a few" is Australian for "36 too many."

alcoholic poet: A full pelvic exam is looking like hopscotch and lollipops to me right about now. To make matters worse, they aren't just ordinary screenshots. She has actually gone to the trouble to photoshop in text and arrows to explain the gameplay. The effect of this is two-fold. It simultaneously showcases her idiot-savant like ability to dwell for extraordinary lengths of time on completely uninteresting topics and also highlights her deep-seated hatred for all of mankind.

After scrolling and scrolling and scrolling and then scrolling some more, quite frankly, I was a little queasy. Next up on the list of unending Luciferian tortures was an interminable array of dogs in halloween costumes. Sisyphus had it easy.

Dave: The dogs and cats in Halloween costumes violates a central tenet in the World Blogging Organization's rules for not sucking: Never post email spam on your blog. That email with the cats and dogs has been a Halloween staple for years. I delete it immediately when I get hundreds of copies of the same horrifying missive from Uncle Goober and every single person I have ever worked with since high school. I certainly don't need to see it on a blog.

alcoholic poet: I'd be a liar if I didn't admit the dog in the psychedelic spandex catsuit gave me pause. A dog in a catsuit. It's like looking behind the curtain and realzing the wizard is just a man. However will I get myself a heart now? It makes me long for the days when there was no one on the internet except me and some guy named Bob from Hoboken who wanted to try on my underwear.

Dave: Note: Bob later sold that underwear on eBay for 50 bucks.

alcoholic poet: Expecting to find easy ways to ridicule her, I clicked on Deb's "100 things about me" list. To my chagrin, it was melancholy and quite poignant.

Friendly piece of advice Deb... adult ADHD... Ask your doctor about what treatment options are available to you.

Zach: At the top of Deb's blog there is a message that says "This is not the way I planned it!" That makes sense, because who plans to have a hideous looking blog full of inane drivel about uninteresting everyday events? I guess its something that just happens.

Verdict
Let's let Malfouka sum up here: "This has been the most pathetic battle in Blog Thunderdome history. Deb and Chad, you should be ashamed of yourselves. I’m ashamed of you. Furthermore, I am positive I speak for many when I say your spectacular failure to amuse has been nothing short of an appalling disgrace. Not only has your collective apathy been a miserable blight on the goodness and purity of the Thunderdome, your respective blogs are so unutterably tedious, I have not needed to take sleep medication in days." Way to go, folks! How 'bout a nice, frosty glass of Fresca all around? This was a split vote. Despite Deb's flagrant inactivity, on this the 27th day of November, 2006, the Holy Order of Thunderdome hereby bans 'Eavyskies for one month.

Graphics for the winner and loser.

Medals of Dubious Honor:

• The Maurice Spitzman Golden Albatross for Effort: To Chad, not only for making the first ever Blog Thunderdome video trailer, but for trying to wrangle Deb out from the abyss for a more interesting battle.
• The Janice Pearlmutter Scholarship for the Betterment of Google Enterprises Until They Take Over the World and Buy Mining Rights to Our Colons Award: To Chad for his unyielding support of Google's YouTube empire.
• The Brad at Blogg'd I'll-Get-You-Later Award: To Deb, because we all know how Brad would've voted if he hadn't been so busy this past month.

The Holy Order of Thunderdome hath spoken.