Tech Wench v. K@oticism
Dave: We originally tried to get Colonel Platypus to join us for this round, but we got a lowly Captain instead. Blast! Let's get on with it. Captain Platypus, raise your right flipper-thing and repeat after me: "I solemly swear to uphold the rigorous standards of the World Blogging Organization and its voluminous and heavy tomes. I shall do my utmost to smash people in the face with said tomes until they stop using hit counters. Furthermore, I admit that my kind, platypussies, are an affront to mammalian existence." Now then, let's watch as brother and sister fight for the last biscuit at the dinner table.

TechWench
Captain Platypus: Here we have yet another female blog title containing a derogatory female term that if uttered by a man would lead to his stoning. Not that getting stoned by a bunch of chicks would hurt much (c'mon, they throw like girls!), but I tread lightly into the lair of the TechWench, preparing myself for a female non-mommy blog: excessive obscenities, overuse of the word bitch, and at least one humorous feminine hygiene post about the time the panty shield was inserted adhesive side up. Thankfully, we were spared the latter.

TJ: Her design is excellent: It's easy on the eyes, a breeze to navigate and not filled with unnecessary fluff. One of the creeds of the Holy Order of the Thunderdome is that "It is very possible to have a generally good--yet flawed--blog." Up until September 20, 2005 when Tech Wech posted 50 Things To Piss Everyone Off that creed might have stuck. I quote: "If you're 5'3" and weigh 200 lbs, you're fat," and "No one reads your blog because it's BORING. I don't care if Pete told Stacy that Jen is being a bitch to Carrie because Robert is gay." That post had this judge singing praises for her candor.

Dave: The research team at Blog Thunderdome tried in vain to secure audio files of TJ singing, but it seems we shall have to wait until the launch of Thunderdome Karaoke.

Captain Platypus: After reading her take on custom mouse pointers and trails, I felt like high-fiving the monitor.

Brad: Let's start with her profile picture. I know every geek out there who has seen this blog gets a woody when they view her picture but I can't help thinking she's trying to hard. "Look at me" it's saying, "I am just sooo sexy and when I am not blogging or designing I'm hanging out with ugly chicks so guys will check me out."

Dave: Is it too much to ask that a pro designer have a profile picture that doesn't have splotchy midtones, muddy shadows and no highlights? I'll be the first to admit that TechWench's design prowess is a hundred times better than mine, but this picture looks like it was dragged through the "suck" filter in Photoshop.

Brad: Whilst K@oticism's design destroys my eyesight, TechWench's design has me convinced that she is working for those soulless creatures over at Microsoft. Let's just say there is dull, then there is really dull, then there is TechWench. When I first clicked on the her site, I was pretty sure I was there to download the latest Windows patch.

As for content, it was a bit like reading k@os on PMS. While her rants seemed to be okay, I was just trying to figure out the logic of ripping on blogs and blog owners and then trying to sell them a template. I guess it goes something like this, "hey, you're a fucking idiot, btw would you like to buy a pre-fab robot anime template?" When she is not complaining about blogger and bad drivers she's harping on about tech pet peeves like being pissed off with people who put xhtml validity links on their site when they are not actually xhtml valid. Fascinating.

K@oticism
Captain Platypus: I worried about his use of the '@'. The last thing I wanted to find after the 20 second flash intro was a blog written by a h4x0r with m4d $k!11$ who writes in nothing but IM shorthand and 1337 $p34k. Thankfully, I only found two posts referencing this type of annoyance and both were making fun of these idiots.

K@os hails from Hawaii. Remember Hawaii? The island with all the sun and beaches and tanned girls?

Dave: Paradise, it's called.

Captain Platypus: That's the one. Why he has chosen a hobby that involves sitting hunched over a computer in a dimly lit room until four in the morning is truly a sign of larger problems.

K@os does a lot of inexplicable things like answer multiple memes and take a Dr. Phil test. Why not let all of us know which character in The Simpsons you best resemble or how evil your site is? (Only 46% evil. Yeah, I thought it'd be higher too.)

Dave: I'm going to try and ignore the fact that K@os' campaign for pope eroded support from my own ill-fated run at Conclave 2005. If you're going to bother signing up for affiliate programs with crappy t-shirt companies, here's a hint: put their graphic link a little higher on the page...like, say, I dunno, NOT on the bottom. More importantly, delete them altogether. No one out there is saying, "Holy cats! I'm out of clothes. I better order some more from the internet. Lessee, what's a good place to shop? Nike.com? OldNavy.com? Oh, right, K@oticism. Good thing I bookmarked it, or else I'd be naked."

Brad: Looking at his profile picture, I could ramble on and on about how retarded it is to be giving the camera the finger, but Dave Macdougall over at More Cowbell said it much better than I ever could.

TJ: After the splash page, I'm slammed by some guy flippin' me off. I press on and try desperately to distinguish sidebars and massive amounts of colorful button ads from the actual content. When I am able to distinguish the posts, all that are longer than two sentences require an expand and collapse approach. After actually reading a few, a single click ends up being more energy than I am willing to expend. The general fashion of his posts is spew, spew, spew, but I give him credit for being honest and passionate about the arduous issues he takes on, like euthanasia for elderly drivers.

Verdict
Firstly, neither of these blogs deserve a two month ban. Thirty days is plenty. This was pretty close, so let's just say that the winner edged out the loser via the posting of two fewer memes. On this, the 26th day of September 2005, K@os is hereby banned for one month. He can take solace in the fact that he lives on an island paradise. He can spend his ban enjoying the tropical wonderland, reveling in the fact that the closest attraction guys like Captain Platypus have is a 62 foot tall Jeebus on the side of the highway. Even in losing he still wins.

Medals of Dubious Honor:
"Most obvious way to lose a battle" goes to K@os. Had he not pulled his punches and posted more stuff like this picture of his sister, he would've won. No doubt.

Best use of boobs: K@os. Thanks for that.

Here are the attendant graphics for the winner and loser.

The Holy Order of Thunderdome hath spoken.