Medium Large Phill versus Sick Sad World

Dave: We've done it this time. So terrified were today's contestants that neither has blogged in over a week. The stench of failure is rife on these barren, desiccated blogs. So without further ado or proper introduction, we have a wonderfully vicious guest judge with us today to help wade through the chaff. Please welcome Evil Minx who will start us off. Raise yer right hand, chica, and repeat after me, "I, Evil Minx, do solemnly swear to drink beer and kick some blogger ass." Right, you're in.

Medium Large Phill
Minx: Clearly someone just projectile vomited onto a laptop and saved it as a blog template. Euuuuw. This utterly foul-looking blog had me reaching for my sunglasses and Alka Seltzer. I find it almost impossible to believe that someone actually paid money to have this template 'designed.' If the content were better, it might be excusable. However, the phrase "money for old rope" springs to mind.

The blog exists chiefly to confound. The "About the Author" link in the sidebar links straight back to...the home page. Great. All I know about MLP is that s/he is a teenager (which is a relief). It's far more acceptable (not to mention understandable) that a teenager would think this template is cool. They simply haven't had the life experiences, by which I mean (among other things) excess of alcohol and post-alcoholic nerve states, to understand how repulsive it is. They're not quite developed enough to understand a great deal beyond "Oo. Shiny thing. Ooo. Shiny. Oo." And so on.

Brad: But what do you need to know about a guy who has a blog designed to look like a cheap bag of Nachos?

Dave: That is indeed a problem. For clarity's sake, we shall refer to this person as a "he" named Phil McStupid.

TJ: One has to wonder why McStupid has a blog in the first place. He only posts about every two weeks and when he does finally decide to torture innocent passers by with his dark red background and tiny pale font, it's a post so devoid of original thought or creativity that it leaves you wondering if the author is not even human but rather an automaton regurgitating garbage. Case in point: July 17th's journey into text randomization. Even worse is the July 1 post where McStupid lists his favorite quotes from the movie Blazing Saddles. Weren't we done with this back in 1982? I can't wait for a future post on Caddyshack.

Minx: Why would I want to read a list of movie quotes on a blog when I can just as easily read them in the IMDb? If I wanted to. Which I never do.

Blogging should be about originality. I don't care how old the person is. I can forgive a teenager an appalling lack of taste in their blog design as a result of their tender years, but this absence of thought and effort is only contributing to the clutter on the internet--clutter that we, the Holy Order of Thunderdome, have sworn to sweep away.

Brad: Digging deeper, I was treated to David Letterman top ten lists and a boring as hell meme (as if any meme would be interesting). Thanks for confirming that you suck Phil.

Dave: The worst thing about the meme is he writes, "I'm done with this because I can't pick just five songs that mean a lot to me, and i choose to kill the plague here and now...On second thought i choose to pass the baton onto (name of some unfortunate blogger)." Aaaargh. But you just...aargh...and then you...unngh...damn it, man, why must you anger me so? You were so close to doing the morally right thing...and then you go and screw it up.

LingLing: Don't forget the post entitled "horrible horrible pickup lines." It is alleged to be "back by popular demand." Just because your best friend said in a lukewarm fashion that something was 'kinda funny' when you pestered him is no reason to get all delusional. Best of all, the first sentence under that title is this Joycean gem: "ok so not really but who cares its my blog and I can post what I want to." This sentence could be the motto of the Blog Thunderdome in Bizarro world, where all blogs are created equal, where the cruel chains of grammar and syntax are cast off, where all blogs have a devoted fanbase and everyone gets along, and every post is an orgasm of creativity.

Sick Sad World
Brad: Let me start by quoting the author from one of his posts: "Then this morning I headed off to the shop and as I opened the door my nose was assaulted by the unmistakable smell of shit." I can really relate to this since this is exactly the same sensation I got when I opened this blog.

LingLing: My contempt turned to pity when I realized that he lives in Birmingham (U.K.). Suddenly much became clear to me. For one thing, this means he still has a crap mountain outside his door EVERY morning.

Brad: The title of the blog with dripping blood just screams "12-year-old, hand-drawn illustration." Thanks Vorbis, let us know when you plan to start a heavy metal blog.

TJ: Red websites give me the same gut-wrenching agony as do pink ones, and SSW is no exception. The tiny font set against a dark grey background says to me that Vorbis doesn't even want anyone to read his blog.

LingLing: This blog lives up to its name. It was sad, and it made me sick. Then I came across this classic line: “Just to let you know that this will be my last post until at least the middle of next week as I'm going to be away as I mentioned in the last post below this.” Nice. I like the run-on nature of the sentence, and also the presumption that his brain dead readers have already forgotten the post immediately prior. Perhaps they have. I know I was slipping in and out of unconsciousness. (And not for Ling’s usual reasons: alcohol or erotic asphyxiation or the glue sniffing.)

Minx: SSW's posts are by and large interesting, but Vorbis includes a weekly caption competition. Okay, why? The photos weren't even caption-worthy.

Dave: As someone who runs a humor site, let me pass on a bit of advice. If you run a humor contest in which your troglodyte readers are asked to contribute, you'd better be prepared to make up fake entries which are funnier than anything submitted by your degenerate audience. That's the sad truth of internet contributors (present company excepted, of course). Get with the program.

Minx: I really didn't like this blog that much, but I didn't hate it. I'd file it under "OK, seen it, let's move on."

Dave: I've perused these blogs both sober and drunk. Let me tell ya, near-alcohol-poisoning didn't improve either of 'em. That's a freakin' problem. Had I read Kachina's (our first bannee) blog drunk, I would've been bawling something fierce. Bonus points for sure.

Verdict
Y'know the ol' philosophical question, "If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one to hear it, does it make a sound?" No? Illiterate bastard. Well, if a blogger puts up a blog and never posts, is it still a blog? Or is it just a waste of server space? The one painfully strict rule of Blog Thunderdome is: "Two blogs enter. One blog leaves." Tina Turner codified that, and, damn it, we trust her. While silencing both of these skeletal blogs would give HOT no small pleasure, we must adhere to this doctrine. SSW has (in the past, mind you--not recently) made us chuckle. Therefore, on this, the 1st day of August, 2005, Medium Large Phill McStupid is hereby banned for two months. Whatever, right? He goes into fortnightly self-imposed exiles as a matter of routine, so it's not like his readers will even notice. SSW swims, Medium Large Phill sinks.

The Holy Order of Thunderdome has spoken.

Medals of Dubious Honor:
Most illegible sidebar: Sick Sad World

Best implementation of gibberish: Medium Large Phill. Aim high, dude.

Most frequent attempts to look cool by appropriating (and regurgitating) pop culture: Phill. Again, aim high.

Graphics for the winner and loser.