You Choose, You Lose

by Frank Pittarese

Dear Frank,
I have a friend "Dirk" who has been in a relationship with this guy "Sven." Sven is a real pill; superficial, dull and vain.

I do try to see Dirk when he's alone but there are plenty of times when I can't avoid Sven--and it's uncomfortable to say the least. Sven knows I have no respect for his muscleboy, circuit dance party interests, and clearly thinks I'm way too unfabulous for him to be seen with.

At this point, you must be thinking that I'm a judgmental, rigid bitch, but I know many of Dirk's other friends have told me the same thing: They can't stomach Sven and his boring obsessions and pretensions. So it ain't just me. In fact, Dirk is losing all of his old friends and replacing them with Sven clones (chosen by Sven, of course).

So what do I do? Write this friendship off as a loss or continue to see Dirk only occasionally, when he's sans-partner (which feels kinda sneaky and covert). Or should I wait it out until they break up? That could be never. You see, Dirk is loaded--and did I mention that Sven is a golddigger?
--Chester's Choice

Quite Frankly:
Chester, you are in a pickle!

Here's what you need to do: ask yourself, seriously, how important Dirk is to you as a friend. You never really get into the details of your relationship. Is he a casual buddy? Or is this something that runs a little deeper? I'm not talking about romance, but I'm wondering where Dirk fits in your life.

I'm guessing he's of some importance, or else you wouldn't write. And if he is, and you really want to keep him around, then the last thing you need to be doing is interfere. If you say anything against Sven to Dirk, you'll lose--and honestly, it wouldn't matter if Dirk, right this minute, is considering dumping Sven. You'd be out of line.

For now, let's lose the "write-off" option. I don't think you want to do that. Why spite yourself? If Dirk is treating you as he always has, despite Sven, then honestly, the problem is more yours than his.

If you seriously think they'll break up (which might happen, if Dirk ever sees through Sven), stick around. Dirk will need your support. And besides, isn't it silly to drop a friend because you don't like the person they're dating? Why can't you hang out alone with Dirk on occasion? Do he and Sven come as a pair? If that's the case, you'll have to work at it. Plan time together with Dirk when Sven isn't available. This can be aggravating, I know, but if it's that or nothing...

I find it interesting, though, that you describe seeing Dirk alone as feeling "sneaky and covert." That tells me there's more than meets the eye as far as your feelings about Dirk go. You even lead off by telling me that you have no respect for Sven's muscleboy lifestyle. Could your problem rest on a foundation of jealousy?

I think your choice, Chester, is more complicated than you let on.