Statutory Sam

by Frank Pittarese

Dear Frank,
Suppose you're out with your friends one night. You hit a club or two with the intent of hooking up and having some fun. By some miracle, the hottest girl in the place starts dancing with you, and before you know it, you're in a cab back to her place. One thing leads to another. Nudity happens. Then, while you're in the middle of doing your thing, she whispers in your ear, "I hope it's okay that I didn't tell you at the club, but I'm 16." I hope that's okay?!?! Now here's my question: After processing this piece of news, do you continue your awesomely hot sex session, or do you make a hasty exit and move to another state before she can call the cops? This is all hypothetical, mind you.
--Statutory Sam

Quite Frankly:
Wow. It's a good thing I write an advice column and not a judge-the-letter-writer column, otherwise, I'd have to call you a pedophile or something. Hypothetically, mind you. Okay, this is a no-brainer. As soon as you find out how old Lolita is, it's your duty to politely get dressed and get out. Do not contact her ever again. If you see her in a club, leave. And learn to ask a girl how old she is before taking her to bed. My guess is that you had some indication that she was a little on the young side and adopted a "don't ask, don't tell" attitude. That's great, but you still committed a crime, and if you kept going after her big revelation...well...you've got no excuse. And good luck to you, too, because I think that a 16-year-old girl who (apparently) lives alone, picks up adult men in clubs and takes them to bed, might be socially unstable enough that she'd have no qualms about calling the police after playtime was over--regardless of how much "fun" you two had. So next time, do yourself a favor: ask a lady her age. Sure, it's not gentlemanly, but neither is getting porked in a cell by some 250 lb. guy named Bubba. D'you get me?