Stalker Bait

by Frank Pittarese

Dear Frank,
I've got a stalker. A hot stalker. With big bazoombas. She will do ANYthing for me. On the one hand, it's hard to turn down easy sex. On the other, I don't want to wake up one morning with a knife in my gullet. Now I may be able to work this into a threeway with her equally hot friend. Do I risk multiple stab wounds for a night of unfathomable goodness?
--Victim of Love

Quite Frankly:
First of all, "bazoombas"? Seriously? Okay...onward.

There are some things I handle very well in a relationship: expectations of birthday and Christmas gifts...a certain amount of cuddling (although not when I'm watching 24, goddammit!) But one thing I can't handle is The Crazy. Or The Needy, for that matter...but we'll get to that in the next letter.

Now sex is a glorious thing, but I'm a boy...a gay boy...and for us homos, getting sex can be as easy as a trip to the supermarket (thank you, Mr. Internet). You straight boys, though...you're in a rut. Casual sex, I suspect, isn't as easily accessible. And y'all do like your boobies.

So here you are, with boobies being offered freely and with good will. How can you say no to that? I'll reiterate: The Crazy. Is a good lay really worth the mental anguish of having some nutter call you 500 times a day? Or poison your onion dip? Or tie you to a bed like Kathy Bates did to James Caan in that fine-and-oh-so-realistic film, Misery? Hell, no.

Unless you look like Gollum, have six months to live, or suffer from a serious deathwish, change your number, move to another state, or start dressing in drag. Whatever it takes to avoid Krazy Kathy, do it.

As for the threeway, there's still hope. I did, after all, mention my friend, Mr. Internet...