Price of Porn

by Frank Pittarese

Dear QF,
I was away on a business trip recently. My girlfriend, who has a key to my apartment, let herself in while I was gone. That's fine, she's done it before. In the past, I've come home to find her naked, or cooking dinner, or cooking dinner naked. Terrific. Love it.

This time, I found her...well...angry wouldn't cover it. She was like that kid in The Exorcist, but not as congenial. It seems that Melanie got bored waiting for me to get home, so she logged onto my computer to "play some games." That must've bored her, too, because then she started poking around. Unfortunately, she found my porn folder.

Who cares, right? Every guy has porn on their computer, right? Well, I've got tons of it. And one folder, unfortunately, is full of bisexual movie clips. Two guys and a girl, bisexual movie clips. This is what she found.

Well Melanie went on a tear about how she didn't know she was dating a (homophobic epithet), and that I could take my (homosexual epithet) porn and stick up my (colorful synonym for the word "anus"). I'm really understating it. There was crying. She threw a book at me. Then she stormed out.

Eventually, things quieted down, but strangely enough, we haven't discussed it. The sex is slacking off, but at the same time, she's ridiculously curious about my comings and goings. I'm sure she thinks I'm having sex with guys--but I'm really not!

I want to tell her this stuff. I want to let her know that, for whatever reason, watching that porn sometimes turned me on in ways that I can't explain. I've never had sex with a guy, and I'm not planning on it, but watching two guys do a girl, then each other, pressed some kinky mental button.

Instead I feel like I'm being punished for, essentially, having private fantasies. So, Great Gay Swami, what do I do?
--Paying the Price of Porn

Quite Frankly:
Let me tell ya, Pornie, you've got the patience of a saint. You come home after workin' hard to find some chick has dug through your personal crap. Then said chick attacks you for said personal crap. I'm sure if she came home to find you reading her diary, you'd be missing a testicle or two.

One thing you must absolutely not do is apologize. She poked her nose in where it didn't belong. If you apologize, you've agreed to some wrongdoing, and that's nonsense.

One thing you must do, before this relationship crashes and burns, is sit Melanie down and talk to her about this. And by "this," I don't mean your bisexual fantasies. I mean her behavior. Let her know that she was out of bounds, and how hurtful she's being by vilifying you. Remain calm. She'll go nuts, no doubt, but keep your cool. And don't back down.

Eventually, you might want to invite her to ask about your interests. (That's only if you're comfortable discussing them, which may or may not be the case.) Perhaps if she knows where your head is at, she can screw her head back on, and stop acting like a menace. Maybe she'll stop withholding sex. Or maybe she'll just want to dump you altogether.

Just remember, whether you act on your fantasies or not, they aren't going anywhere. You need to be with a partner who gets you, who respects you (and your privacy), and who doesn't declare herself judge, jury, and executioner.

There are plenty of girls out there who might not just encourage your not-so-kinky porn-watching habits, but who might even want to watch along with you. (But good luck finding the freaky chick who'll let you double-team her with some gay boy. Reality has its limits.)