Hush, Hush, 'Gasms Carry

by Frank Pittarese

Dear Frankie,
I live in on the fourth floor of a brownstone apartment with my girlfriend. Our bedroom is at the front of the apartment, directly above the bedroom of our downstairs neighbors. We're all around the same age, although they're married, and we maintain a polite "hello and goodbye" casual chit-chat sort of relationship. Aside from watching fireworks on the roof one Fourth of July, we've never hung out socially.

Here's my problem. My girlfriend is really loud when we have sex. I've become used to it over the years, and it was never a problem, till one day I was downstairs getting the mail and I ran into my neighbor (the guy). He winked at me and said, "Late night for you guys?" It wasn't until I was back in my apartment and opening my electric bill that I understood what he meant. He heard us.

I was embarrassed, but prepared to let it pass. Then it happened again about a month later. We were leaving for work at the same time, and as we were heading for the subway he said, "You guys have fun last night?"

I blew him off with some nonsense about how we watched a DVD, but he had this gleam in his eye that was totally calling bullshit on me.

Since then, I'm having a problem having sex with my girlfriend when I know my neighbors are home, which is like all the time. I try to work around where I think they'll be--like having sex in the living room if it's late at night, or in the bedroom if it's a Saturday afternoon (the bathroom is too close to the hallway, so that's out).

My girlfriend would be mortified if I told her any of this, but I feel like we need to have a conversation about her moaning and groaning. How can I tell her that her orgasms are entertaining the guy downstairs?
--Golden Silence

Quite Frankly:
Well, GS, you can always move to a new apartment.

Seriously, though, the last thing I'd do is create a stir with your girlfriend. It sounds like your neighbor feels comfortable enough around you, another guy, to pass a casual remark. To me, the issue is more between you and him. If it bugs you that much, the next time he cracks wise, tell him that you're uncomfortable joking around that way.

Another alternative might be to keep a sharp ear out for the next time he has sex with his wife, and pass a remark of your own. (Honestly, that might excite him, so tread carefully.)

The bottom line is that I don't think you should change what sounds like a fun, healthy sex life with your girlfriend just because the neighbors might overhear. If she's half the moaner you make her out to be, she probably knows they can hear her, and either she doesn't care or she wants them to know what a little stud you are.

So have sex, man. Wherever, whenever. And scream the roof off, both of you.