Ex-Valentine

by Frank Pittarese

Dear Frank,
My ex still sends me Valentine's cards. I don't think it's an invitation to a free saliva exchange, but it's still a rough reminder on an already stressful day. Are all girls retarded?
--Searching for Non-Retarded Girl

Quite Frankly:
You're such a meanie. All girls aren't retarded. Most, however, are crazy. And many, I've learned, are needy. I think your ex falls in the latter category.

It's a world of sweet sunshine she's living in, if you two are over and she's sending you Valentines, and ya know what, buddy? She's gotta stop it. Not just for your sake (because it clearly angsted you out enough to write me, an uncaring stranger, this letter) but for her sake, as well. She's holding on to the rotted corpse of your relationship, and necrophilia ain't pretty, yo.

Valentine's Day is a lovely holiday for lovers in love. Not for ex-lovers who have moved on and are presumably dating/screwing other people. The romance is over. She has to let go. Unfortunately, it falls upon you to deliver this news. Ignoring the problem won't make it go away. This will entail...ugh...having a conversation with Ms. Ex. You have to tell her to knock it off (and why).

There may be tears, and you'll certainly be blamed for those tears (or some other long-gone-but-not-forgotten offense), but be strong. Be direct. Stand your ground. Or those Valentines will keep coming, even after you've found someone new. And then it's gonna get really ugly.