Best Miserable Friend

by Frank Pittarese

Dear Frank,
I've been best friends with my pal "Joe" since we were kids. We went to high school together, then college, and even worked together for a couple of years. Last fall, Joe got married to "Jane." She's a great girl. Cute, funny, smart. My problem is that ever since the J's got married, they've been inseparable. If I make plans with Joe, whether it’s to see a movie, grab a beer, or even play some basketball in the park, Jane always tags along. I've even run into them together at the gym.

Don't get me wrong. I like her and she seems to like me right back. And I know I can't recapture my youth. But sometimes, I just wanna hang out with my buddy, you know? So how do I make that happen without starting World War Three. (And just so we're clear, I'm not gay.)

--Best Miserable Friend

Quite Frankly:
Ah, BMF, I know the pain of which you speak. On more than one occasion, I've had a friend "spouse-up," and before you know it, it's like our relationship has gained an uninvited sidekick. The days of hanging out, getting drunk, and saying whatever's on your mind are gone because now there's a lady present. In my case, I became less likely to behave like the raunchy, foul-mouthed rogue that I am and instead was forced to vomit up polite chit-chat and clever dinner conversation. As for talking about anything personal, forget it. Not gonna happen when the wife is around, regardless of how "cool" she is. People should become friends because they like each other--not because they marry into a friendship.

Unfortunately, you're in a bad situation. It's really difficult to breach this subject without offending Joe, and even if he doesn't get offended, Jane certainly will when he tells her about it--and believe me, he will.

All you can do is try, on occasion, to arrange a "boy's night out." Contact your buddy privately (on his cell or via e-mail), so that his wife can't interrupt, overhear or join the conversation, and just let him know that you wanna hang out and b.s., "just the two of us, just like the old days." See how it goes. If things get confrontational, back off. You don't want to lose your friend over this. But hopefully, the two of them can separate long enough for you to have a drunken, basketball-playing good time.

Also, you are SO gay.